Introduction

The late comedian Bill Hicks once joked that if he had been in the test audience for “Basic Instinct”, the movie would have been just 90 minutes of lesbian scenes. The films discussed in this article come close: two 75-minute flicks where you barely see anything besides two massive natural breasts.

The 60s and 70s were decades of experimentation (or “exploitation”, if you prefer), something that can be attested by anyone who’s seen the works of Meyer, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Jesús Franco. While these extremely violent and/or erotic flicks were almost invariably directed by men, there was a woman in this sausage fest: Doris Wishman.

Ever the visionary, Wishman decided to make a gangster and a spy movie, both starring a record-breaking busty model- a move so ahead of its time, Hollywood still hasn’t picked it up.

The actress (and I used the term loosely) in question is Chesty Morgan, a 70s burlesque artist whose chest is probably even bigger than that of most models working today.

Plots

In “Deadly Weapons”, Chesty plays Crystal, the girlfriend of a gangster called Larry. The latter takes for himself a list of contacts so he can blackmail the people on it and get rich. However, Larry’s mob boss finds out and sends two men to kill him. The murderers conveniently execute Larry while he’s on the phone with Crystal and say where they’ll be loud enough for her to overhear them. Thus, she decides to avenge her boyfriend, because if she had done the obvious and gone to the police, we wouldn’t see her perform stripteases to get close to one of the gangsters, or smother them to death with her huge breasts (well, if you gotta go, that’s the way to go).

“Double Agent 73” is a spiritual sequel to “Deadly Weapons”. Released the same year, it stars Chesty as a spy called Jane Tennay, whose mission is to track down a drug lord and take pictures of his henchmen using a camera that is implanted in her chest (no, really). Once again, this was obviously conceived to give Morgan a reason to get her tits out at least once every 5 minutes.

Review

Chesty Morgan is to Wishman’s movies what gore is to Herschell Lewis’- just about the only reason to watch them.

The plots are paper-thin, the dialogue is cliché beyond belief, the camera movement is shaky, the edits are poorly made and the actors are atrocious. Not helping matters is that Wishman actually shot the movies without sound and had the speech dubbed afterwards.

Morgan spends most of her time on-camera just walking and stripping. She almost always looks like she’s about to fall asleep, even during action scenes. Her boobs, on the other hand, deserve an Oscar each. Those things can dance, punch guys in the face, smother them to death, take pictures, you name it. I was surprised they didn’t also drive during the car chase of the second movie.

In any case, both flicks were clearly made for the sake of showing Chesty Morgan’s boobs as much as possible, and to be fair, I can think of worse reasons for making movies.

Even with Chesty’s boobs, I found “Deadly Weapons” to be fairly boring and slow-paced. The striptease scene is probably the best part, but I found it too short. “Double Agent” is something of a guilty pleasure of mine, though, since it’s more amusing, better paced and has more action. Plus, I can’t help but laugh at the fact that, even though Morgan shows her boobs to just about every single male character in the film, none of them looks surprised by their size or even comments on it. Quite an unexpected subversion of the “all men are perverts” trope. However, speaking of humor (or lack thereof), Wishman directs her films as if she hasn’t realized how nonsensical the premises are. Neither flick seems meant to be funny or a parody of its genre, which is bizarre, considering the plots.

Chesty’s wooden acting notwithstanding, it’s a shame that neither Wishman nor Meyer managed to start a subgenre of movies that star women deliberately cast due to having enormous breasts. Frankly, it would likely be more original, cheaper and entertaining than the lazy, overpriced crap so many onlyfans models (and/or their agencies) try to sell us these days.